On the Edge of Belonging: Navigating Life Feeling Like an Outsider
The Dance Between Solitude & Connection
I go through cycles of craving deep solitude and then desiring to be around others. I have spent a lot of time judging myself for how much time I need to myself and how much time I give to self-care. This was actually a huge reason for me starting this blog. I would say that forty to one hundred percent of my hours in a day have revolved around self-care for the last seven years. Starting this blog gives purpose to the way I lead my life. I’m no longer thinking, “I should be doing more with my days”. All the time I spend journaling, doing yoga, being in nature, reading, cooking healthy meals, meditating, etc., now serves a purpose.
And yet, my mind still wanders to those spaces of wondering if there’s something wrong with me because I’m not “more connected” in community. My “shoulds” have shifted from career to connection.
Since arriving back in Asheville almost a month ago, I decided it was finally time to tap back into the conscious community. I had been in almost constant solitude for four months after all. I attended an incredible full moon gathering with yoga, magical elixirs and cacao, DJ sets—including Equanimous being one, who I was super stoked to see live—singing medicine songs around a campfire with Elah & AuSierra, and indulging in the sauna/cold plunge with a view at Drip Sauna. It was great to be around high vibe people. I felt very welcomed, but I also felt a sense of sadness for not having anyone in the conscious community who I’m close to, who really knows me, despite living in Asheville for a year and a half.
I feel like I’m still caught between two worlds and I can’t quite figure out where my place is.
If I’m being honest, it all boils down to judgement. I know the answer to the problem, to see everyone as the Creator, as love. I’m still learning this lesson. I see the beauty in conscious community—the intention to create a better world, to be love, to be warriors for change—but I also see the shadow—overindulgence in plant medicines, big egos, spiritual bypassing, toxic positivity. If I’m being even more honest, I’m seeing reflections of myself at different points that I have judged. In reality, there is no judgement of others, it is always a judgement of ourselves.
As I write this, I’m noticing judgment creep up for having judgements—thought of, “If I were more enlightened, I wouldn’t think this way”.
It also brings about the question of why I have always kept myself on the outskirts of ever community I’ve ever been a part of—friend groups in school, sports, social clubs, my yoga teacher training, retreats I’ve attended. I never get too close. Friends with everyone, but not truly friends with anyone. Do I resist community because I’m someone who needs more time to myself or do I resist community because I fear I’m good enough or that I will be rejected?
It’s a sense I’e had my entire life. Like I’m on the outside looking in, like a don’t quite belong anywhere.
Is it fears of abandonment trying to keep me safe? I definitely had my fair share of abandonment in childhood. I can see how I’ve tried to do everything on my own in life. I hear stories of people being support by their communities and I’ll think, “I want that”, but I never feel safe enough to give into it. I deeply desire to have a massive impact on this worlds, to share my heart, to help others feel seen—and I know that in order for me to do so, I must see myself, tend to me own heart, hold space for my needs. So where is the balance? Do I push myself more?
Really, all that matters is being true to where I am in this moment and trusting that whatever is meant for me in the lifetime will come to fruition.
I get stuck trying to figure out where I exist in these worlds. Pushing myself to be someone or somewhere other than where I am is not self-acceptance and only leads to harsh criticisms that break down my self-esteem and ultimately, my sense of self. I’m making how I’m feeling wrong. What I’m feeling in this season of my life is more time in solitude, more time with God, time connecting in the relationships that nourish my soul, with the souls who really see me, and getting into community when it feels right.
Social media is the ultimate crusher of self-acceptance. It turns our turns our INtuition off; we stop listening to what is right for us as an individual.
When I get on social media, which is rare for me because of how devastating it can be to my sense of self, I see other warriors of love—which I do consider myself to be—collaborating, doing BIG things, making a massive impact, seemingly experiencing so much joy by being in community. Then I begin to think that I’m not enough—not doing enough, not involved enough, not evolved enough.
This truth is, I’m exactly where I need to be. My life is beautiful. My path is unfolding. Spirit’s got me.
I do have soul family in my life. If it’s meant to grow, God will bring me my people. SO, I will continue to trust when I’m in doubt, surrender when I try to control, and melt into the unfolding, knowing everything happens in Divine Timing.
May you read these words and know that you are not alone. Comment below if you resonate.
With Love,
Becca
I had a dream last night about not feeling like I belong in community. I just sat down at my computer to write another post about it. When I reflect on the times that I've not felt separate, it was because I wasn't in my head. So, I think both are true.....I do need more time to myself, so I'll probably never be the type to hang out in groups all of the time, it's too exhausting, I prefer 1-on-1 deep connection, AND, if I can get out of my head and stop running through all of the thoughts that cause me to feel separate, I think I can dissolve the feeling of "not belonging"
This article resonated so deeply with me and how I feel. One of the questions you ask yourself was particularly reflective of my own feelings "Do I resist community because I’m someone who needs more time to myself or do I resist community because I fear I’m good enough or that I will be rejected?"
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty ❤️