He was a stark contrast to Nels—A direct reflection of the deep inner work I’d been doing to heal my wounds from back-to-back heartbreaks.
We’ll call him, Aaron. He’s optimistic to the point I often wonder how one could stay so positive with their view of everything. He speaks of the beauty in the world, the things he’s grateful for, and his devotion to God. He cares about building community and raising the vibration of the planet. He wants to be a part of change. He asked if we could stare deep into each other’s eyes.
I felt a spark from the moment I met him. I felt a sense of comfort in his presence.
A week prior, I was feeling more expansive than ever. I was finally emerging from my dark night of the soul. I was planning to attend a Dreamporting Meditation Retreat and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Dedicated time for healing in the collective—meditating on manifesting miracles with like-minded souls—was the perfect catalyst to shake off the remaining dirt from the hole I’d buried myself in during the prior two months. Dating hadn’t really been on my mind, but as I sat listening to the first speaker, she asked:
“Who here is single? Who is ready to manifest love?” I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it would happen for me that weekend. Maybe it was Aaron?
There was no ego with Aaron, unlike Nels, who oozed self-importance. He is genuine—one of those people you can tell from the moment you meet them that they have a good heart. It’s a quality I’ve identified as necessary in the man I end up with, but one I ignore when I’m in my shadow, when the emotionally unavailable partner looks so attractive. We shared multiple deep conversations during the retreat. The conversation was easy. He shared vulnerably, as did I. I felt seen. He was kind to everyone, but that also made it impossible to get a read on his interest.
Days after the retreat ended, through a series of what could only be called divine intervention, we sat across from one another on separate couches when he said to me, “I feel like you’re the woman I’ve been manifesting.”
He shared my vision of sacred union. The first time we kissed, I felt a sense of safety, versus the excitement I felt with Nels. I’ve come to realize that feeling a dangerous level of excitement with someone is a surefire sign to run. Following that feeling has resulted in toxic relationships for me every single time. Having a nervous system that was conditioned to find comfort in love withheld, I have had to train myself out of going after men who make me feel that way.
Now, at least when I’m thinking clearly, I seek to feel comfortable in their presence and to have a curiosity to know more about them.
We spent a few days together before I made my way from Austin to Charleston. We shared a depth of intimacy that I’ve never experienced with another man, but as my gypsy lifestyle has often created, our time together was cut short. Another potential romance not given the chance to flourish. It wasn’t even a week later before he told me that he needed to focus on what he was building in his life and that he thought we should just be friends.
It was very reminiscent of the last man who broke my heart, unable to do the distance when I went back to Mexico, unable to commit to the level I was.
I was left asking God, “When will I find a man who understands that through mutual love and support, we can build a life together? That we don’t need to have it all figured out. That maybe, just maybe, our relationship could be a catalyst for manifesting even bigger dreams?” Well, I know the answer to this question. Everything is a reflection.
I’m not attracting that because I still don’t believe I will be loveable by a good man—a “divine masculine”—until I’m successful.
Ironically, the truth is that I know all that I need to do to attract the type of man I desire is to be in my feminine—embodied, authentic, creative, gentle, compassionate, loving—but this conditioning runs deep. On a societal level, and on a familial level—my dad was a banker and the only two things he spoke to me about when I was growing up were integrity and having a successful career.
I believe the person we choose to spend our life with is one of the most important decisions we will ever make.
I don’t believe we need to be perfect to find that person. There is always more “work” to be done. It is however necessary that we know our value and worth. Clearly, a part of me still doesn’t feel worthy of the love I crave until I’m successful in my career. This opposes my belief that a partnership can be a space of mutual support, to help one another achieve our dreams.
I have no doubt that this contradiction in my belief system is the reason I continue to meet men who aren’t ready to commit until they feel like they’re “successful”.
So, I’ve decided to take a step back from dating again, to integrate the false belief that my worthiness of love is tied to what I produce. To be committed to myself, devoted to God. To live in my passion—writing—to lift others up, to heal my own shame, to dance in my feminine flow because it lights me up, not because it equals success.
I’m entering a “masculine cleanse”. If you don’t know what that is, subscribe to my substack—you can subscribe for free—to get notified of my next blog post, where I’ll discuss what a masculine cleanse is, how to do it, and my past experience with it.
Are you also on a journey to heal the wounds that keep you from the love you deserve? What’s your version of preventing a committed relationship? Comment below. You are not alone.
Love Always,
Becca